cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
