Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
