don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
