I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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