like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
