Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
