I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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