ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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