update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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