eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
