Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
