FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
