I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
