apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
