"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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