i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
two words: eviction party
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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