Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
