how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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