There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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