OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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