just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You're a waste of cheezeits
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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