How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
