no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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