Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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