phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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