Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
