My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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