At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
