i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
