oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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