life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
