Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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