allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
