Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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