She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
