I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
