That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
