Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
