I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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