why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
