before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
