Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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