your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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