You're earring is so big in my mouth
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
