found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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