The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
