I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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