I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
