There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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