I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
