Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
