chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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